o little town of los angeles

im usually behind 

but the holidays make it worse

but of nowhere

they sneak up on you

as the abominable snowman

slouching its way from the depths of winters darkness

he crashes down on you

just like he did to Rudolph and Hermes

and you wonder how he got so damn heavy

maybe you’re just a grown up now

things don’t just appear

like they did when sugarplums danced in your head

now you’re Santa

you’re the magician

you know how the trick is done

where the mirrors are set up

where the smoke comes from

running around with a broken wand

nobody notices

maybe you do get the magic of Christmas back someday

if you get to be dad

the season feels more like halloween to me

ghosts everywhere

of people 

and practices

that slipped through my fingers

ill never eat pheasant and knoephla on Christmas Day again

and fine, kind of whatever on that one

it was good and awful and now its gone

the exact recipe for nostalgia

my parents ornaments had holiday patina

i can’t recreate

mom threw so many of them out

junk paper and plastic

so I have to buy new plastic

i get the stuff I saw in the Michael buble target ad

imitation crab and phony bologna

the food themed ornaments are out of control this year

i mourn the rituals

my family doesn’t exist anymore

they went away slowly then all at once

and with them went all that stuff

its like I just woke up from a dream

and im telling them they were in it

and we were opening presents

but every once in a while 

there are real holy nights

where all is calm and all is bright

and I catch myself laughing

clinking mismatched glasses

with friends

in studio apartments

who became family 

and I never had to ask if they loved me

suddenly im home again

or maybe this is for the first time

a small miracle

and L.A. becomes bethlehem